By
Dawn G. Prince
(Originally Published at Bahiyah Woman Magazine(bwmmag.com)--an African American Women's online Magazine.
(October 6, 2005)—October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. “Behind Closed Doors: A Close-up Look at Domestic Violence” is a four-part series that takes a close-up look at the problem; why women stay and the effects; children & domestic violence and teenage dating violence; and finding the courage to leave and finding help and services. Each week there will be an interview with Phenomenal Women of Courage, Monica Young, Carolyn Chappelle and T.K. Jordan. Susan Milano-Murphy, nationally recognized relationship expert will lend insight to this Behind Closed Doors epidemic.
Jade’s (not her real name) jaw is wired shut after her common-law husband used his fist to break her jaw in two places. The time before that he pushed her to the ground and repeatedly kicked her. That time she ran to a neighbor who called police and she declined to press charges. After the wire is removed from her jaw, she will lie to her co-workers about her absence—just like the last time. He will make promises that it won't happen again and she will take him back—just like the last time. Her sister is afraid that he will kill her—the next time.
She is one of the 3-4 million women battered each year by an intimate partner in this country, according to FBI statistics; every 9 seconds a woman is battered. Domestic violence is sometimes hard to pinpoint because of its behind closed door nature, and the stigma of shame and fear that comes with it. Yet for all of the invisible women, domestic violence accounts for the most trips to the emergency room. Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS) show that nearly half a million women (588,490) were victimized by an intimate partner in 2001, and one in three women will be in their lifetime.
In continued efforts to stop the violence, October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The Day of Unity is celebrated the first Monday in October to connect battered women’s advocates across the nation in mourning those who died and celebrating those who survived, according to The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
Domestic violence “has always been an epidemic. It’s crime. It is not to be taken lightly. It affects us all and we all pay for it,” says Susan Murphy-Milano, a nationally recognized relationship expert and author of the new book, Moving Out and Moving On.
After her father, a Chicago Violent Crimes detective murdered her mother and killed himself in 1989, Murphy-Milano wrote the celebrated Defending Our Lives and appeared on Oprah, Larry King Radio, ABC’s 20/20 and numerous national magazines and television programs advocating the plight and rights of abused women. Since vaulting into the spot light, she’s been key in the passage of the Illinois Stalking Law and has been the voice of women and children in the fight for justice.
“We allow men to do this and get away with this,” says Murphy-Milano. “My father’s partner said she drove him to this. I said nobody drives someone to pull the trigger. My father did this as most abusers do because he could get away with it. Behind closed doors—it’s the cowardly lion. They would never do this in public or to anybody else. They do it to what they think is their property. This can happen to anyone.”
Although abused women come from all racial, age and socio-economic backgrounds, African American women’s victimization is 35 percent higher than white women (1993-1998), reveals a March 2004 Congressional report. However, keep in mind, the reason may be that access to essential services and help may be more difficult for minorities and, therefore, resulted in increased incidents.
Abused women can be the teenaged girl whose boyfriend slaps her around, the older woman financially dependent on her partner and can include businesswomen and wealthy women. Murphy-Milano relates a recent incident where a CEO of an insurance company came to a book signing to demand why she was on the mailing list and would have nothing to do with purchasing the book.
“She was enraged. (Having her name on the list), it was sorta like going naked. I see a lot of wealthy women living in high positions. They can’t play into that (come forward)…they’ll do the best they can and then move forward and try to resolve it.”
Murphy-Milano says it’s important not to judge with domestic violence. We shouldn’t presume to know the kinds of people that are victims or the types of persons that are offenders. People didn’t believe her mother was abused because her father was well respected in the community. “Up until six months before my mother died, no body would believe her.”
She goes on to say, “We judge everybody. A lot of times, a social worker or hospital or a school, they associate the address with the problems,” or when she’s speaking at some engagement, someone will ask her, ‘what do you know about violence?’ To which she responds, “Because I look like I do? Is that why?”
Just like there is no one trait for abused women, the offender could be anybody. One third of the men treated for battering are professional and well respected. They include physiologists, lawyers, ministers and business executives (David Adams, Boston Bar Journal, July/August 1989).
Murphy-Milano’s father was someone you would never suspect. While publicly he was a well-respected cop—at home—he threatened to kill his wife if she ever left and often yanked the phone out of the wall.
“He was one of the best cops out there who would take a bullet for anybody. Yet we were afraid of him. He had a gun.”
What these batterers have in common is their displaced anger and need to assert power over women. Often putting on a nice persona in public, at home they terrorize their partners with verbal and emotional abuse, monitoring and following, isolating, pushing, punching and other forms of physical violence. Something triggers the anger; it could be anything—finding dirty dishes in the sink or not having a clean shirt. What should be a simple disagreement turns physical. While most women will suffer choking, bruises and even broken bones, the violence often escalates as the relationship progresses, especially if she threatens to leave, as in the case of Monica Young.
(Thanks to Dawn for permission to reprint on this blog--DrT)
Years ago I heard Shirley MacLaine sum up what she learned from her round-the-world spiritual search: "What you give is what you get."
